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Joke of the Day

"My kid throwing her toast out the car window was more badass than anything I've done in the last 10 years."

"Why are people so sore about Russia taking the Crimea? I mean cry me a river river right?"

"The three rules about procrastination. 1. 2."

"A salmon is swimming up a river. It hits a wall. Dam."

"By all sensible rules of anatomy, if you have shit for brains, you shouldn't be alive. Science, people."

"If ignorance truly is bliss, my coworkers must be in a constant state of euphoria."

"What kind of exercises do lazy people do? Diddly-squats"

"What's worse than a polar bear? A bi-polar bear."

"What do you call your female friend with tiny breasts? Your flatmate"

"At the office, my colleague had her computer on with an unsaved document. I looked at her in the eyes and told her I'd tap that s with control."