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Joke of the Day

"*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac"

"Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone's gaydar."

"What did Cinderella say when she reached the ball? Nothing, she just made gagging noises"

"Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven't heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he's okay."

"No, sweetie. You can't see the moon with vernaculars."

"Q: What's the Internet's favorite animal? A: The lynx."

"I have four problems in life... ...counting, remembering and counting."

"Me: Choose a mate who loves & respects their mom, but isn't overly dependent on her. Lady: These are 4th graders- Me: THEY NEED TO KNOW THIS"

"What did the hippie say when I asked him to leave my house? Nah, I'm-a stay."

"Why would Gabe Newell be a better world leader than Hitler? There'd be no World War 3."