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Joke of the Day

"TIL Thesaurus is not a dinosaur"

"So I was fingering my sister the other day. She said ""wow you do it just like dad!"" I replied ""thats what mom said"" then I found my brothers wedding ring."

"3. That's how many times you have to ask someone if they're grumpy before they get grumpy."

"Now matter how sad I get, the length of your skirt reassures me that everything will be OK."

"This month has five Fridays, five Saturdays, and five Sundays but only FOUR Mondays. You're welcome!"

"I'm spending the holidays with my girlfriend's family They really put the ""JESUS CHRIST!"" back in Christmas"

"Today, I walked into a restaurant. ""Hi, is my table ready?"" ""No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?"" ""No, that's okay."" ""Great, take these salads to table six then."""

"I rely too much on Outlook. My calendar has ""leave work"" at 6, ""brush teeth"" tonight at 11, and a ""blink"" alert recurring every 2.5 seconds."

"Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don't let your dog sit in the driver's seat while you hold a map riding shotgun."

"I have an eating disorder; I'm about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets."