152593

Joke of the Day

"Two words that would mean the end of Twitter - Miley Bieber."

"[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes] ""im not looking for any trouble"" all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD"

"I heard that John Cena had a failed porn career... Every time they tried to do the money shot nobody could see him coming."

"Cop: seen anything unusual? Me: a dolphin with a hat once Cop: I mean around here Me: nah they live in water"

"Q: If an elephant and a giraffe had a race, who would win? A: The elephant. The giraffe is in the refrigerator."

"I tossed a quarter at my girlfriend... ""Ouch, that hit me in the head!"" I look back and reply, ""good, maybe that'll knock some cents into you"" I'll see myself out."

"Vaccines comes from doctors --> Doctors are part of Obamacare --> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper"

"Me: I must warn you, I'm like an animal in bed. Her: That's fine by me! *burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*"

"*takes earrings out* *takes bracelet off* *slips out of shoes* *tears off jeans, shirt, bra* *shaves head* Ok Doc you can weigh me now"

"I went through a Skrillex phase I had to stop though. It got expensive dropping everything all the time!"