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Joke of the Day

"The other day I asked my wife to hand me the news paper. She said, ""Silly you, just use my Ipad.""... That spider had no fucking idea what hit it."

"What's the hardest part of washing a vegetable? putting them back in the wheelchair"

"What's easier to load into a garbage truck, babies or bowling balls? Babies, because you can use a pitchfork."

"I once fell in love with an encyclopedia. I was completely in-fact-uated."

"What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? Hide and Go Seek Champion, 1973."

"I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!"

"Lame number joke: Why is 8 scared of 7? Becaauuuussseee 7 8(ate) 9. You get it huh?"

"His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already... Woman: Did you just quote Eminem? Doctor: Your husband's alcohol poisoning is not a joke, madam!"

"I caught a lot lizard the other day.... Keeping it in a cage with hot rocks till i figure out what to feed it..."

"I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym."