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Joke of the Day

"In alcohol's defense, i've done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too."

"My brother and I ran out of protein powder. I turned to him and said, ""no whey....."" (true story)"

"Oh my god, killer snails are after us. Walk. Walk for your lives."

"Which clown has killed the most people? Ronald McDonald"

"ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I'm delusional UBER DRIVER: I didn't say anything"

"Our wedding pic looks like my wife's selfie photo bombed by me."

"A child asks his father how to be happy. He replied, ""I never knew what real happiness was until I got married..."" ""...and then it was too late."""

"I could never trust a psychic who hasn't won the lottery at least once."

"I've been messing about with my ouija board and i asked it if i was gonna get laid tonight. The pointer keeps gliding between the H and the A. It's been half an hour now...."

"Her: I'll sleep with you when pigs fly Me: points to police helicopter*"