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Joke of the Day

"ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I'm delusional UBER DRIVER: I didn't say anything"

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"Don't drink and drive. Unless you can totally handle it and people need to relax because you're fine."
"*interrupts eulogy* SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL"
"I ordered a meal from the International Space Station. My sides are in orbit."
"How do you know that ET is a Donald Trump supporter? Because he looks like one."
"My girlfriend found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight up I was cheating, there was no way I was going to confess I sell AVON.."
"Dating Tip: Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats"
"What's your favorite preservative salt, vinegar, lemon? Mine's embalming fluid."
"Why can't Pakistanis play soccer? Whenever they get a corner they set up a convenience store"
"Why German Loves Americans why do Germans love Americans? because Americans are the most hated people in the world now."