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Joke of the Day

"Bae: come over Me: can we ever have normal conversations Bae: my parents aren't home Me: why can't you just ask how good my day was for once"

"Why is it called the cock? Because it rises in the morning."

"Computers and my spouse are very similar in some ways. If ever there is something wrong, it's probably my fault."

"I shot two camera lenses out of two cannons into each other at high speed... ...I wanted to make a kaleidoscope"

"[on date] *okay don't let her know you're a T-Rex* Her: Can you pass the salt please? Me: Crap..."

"PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey- TURKEY: Nope. I'm ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now"

"I'm gonna stand outside a strangers house tonight with a lit candle & tell them it's in remembrance of all the people I killed there."

"She- get lost Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*"

"I was going to suggest Twitter to have a live Nativity scene but I think it's going to be impossible. A virgin and 3 wise men? On here?!"

"Yo mama so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her"