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Joke of the Day

"""Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That's all, so you don't need to look."" - my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious"

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"What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids"
"How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?"
"There once was a girl from Nantucket... Who carried her ice in a bucket. She walked down a hill. She had a great spill. And when she got up, she said, ""I'm going to watch my step next time!"""
"Two maggots were fighting in dead ernest, poor old Ernest."
"By putting the punchline in the title. How do you ruin a good repost?"
"What's ET short for? His stupid little legs."
"what's the difference between Rosie O'Donnell and a stab wound? one is a fat and nasty unbearable gash,..... and the other is a fucking stab wound."
"gave my wife a pedicure just so I could write in my diary ""I nailed her...10 TIMES IN A ROW"". Ha ha, jokes on you, Masculinity."
"[Last Supper] Jesus:""We need 13 chairs please"" Judas:""But chairs don't fall into common usage until the 16th century AD"" Jesus:""AD?"""