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Joke of the Day

"THEM: You can't go wrong with this recipe. ME: Watch me."

"Chainsaws: because ""The Texas Weed-whacker Massacre"" just wasn't scary enough"

"Ya know what usually happens when I get naked in the bathroom? The shower gets turned on."

"My friend died today... He wasn't able to speak, but in his dying moments he wanted me to have his EpiPen. I'll cherish it forever."

"My first time watching the women's Olympic vollyball last night, one minute in there was already a wrist injury. I'm better today though, no worries."

"How do you beat George Foreman in a fight? Punch him in the grill"

"Beach people are fickle. One minute you're the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they're terrified of the Lord of Seagulls."

"Goldman Sachs is trimming bonuses. Conan O'Brien's payout is only $32 million. Anyone know where we can text-message our donations?"

"Just found an inch-long hair growing from my earlobe. Does this mean I can finally join the X-Men?"

"I rented a prostitute for $60 an hour, I paid her 50 cents."