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Joke of the Day

"If you're going to insist I get you a wedding gift, then I'm going to insist you bail me out when I get caught shoplifting it."

"Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is."

"Why shouldn't you trust a midget? Because their head's close to their butt."

"I was going to post that I'm in Nebraska but Foursquare didn't have the location ""Someone shoot me in the face"" listed."

"What do you call empathetic bovine? understand bull"

"Did you hear about the guy that was born without ears? Neither did he."

"I'm trying to read on the train but it's hard because people keep applauding & screaming ""You are the train's smartest boy!"" at me"

"Valve should be in charge of the UN... It's the only sure-fire way to prevent World War 3."

"my signature move is yelling ""where in the fridge?!"" and ""i don't see it!"" until my mom comes and finds the applesauce for me"

"*wife offers me a sip of her water* m: Am I gonna catch what you have? w: No m: w: m: Are you sur- w: You're not going to get my period!"