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Joke of the Day
"Thheres just not enough moisture in food now a days. Run that shit under the faucet"
Next Joke
"How do you stop a bull from charging? Take away his credit card."
"[lunch break] Gf: I have 30min Me: you thinking what im thinking? Gf: oh yea *starts undressing Me: *googles closest laser tag location"
"There's no way that Cinderella was treated like crap her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn't like ""yeah right."""
"Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza."
"When someone says ""sorry it's so messy in here"" regarding their mostly clean car I laugh so loud I cough up several pieces of trash"
"My neighbors complain about me throwing my cigarette butts on the lawn but they'll be pumped when a cigarette tree sprouts in the spring"
"I used to date a girl with cataracts Things were going great until one day she stopped seeing me."
"I'm a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job."
"I remember when I discovered Santa Claus was just my dad I still don't know how he snuck out every year to deliver presents all over the world."