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Joke of the Day

"Assuming Twitter is legally binding, when I die, please wrap me in a giant ball of burrata as this is my greatest wish. Thank you."

"Two Condoms are walking past a gay bar... ... one turns to the other and says, ""Wanna go get shit faced?"""

"I tried to steal a didgeridoo from a museum... I didgeri-shouldn't-have-done-that. 3 years...."

"Look, if crying doesn't solve the problem, then maybe I'm just not the person you should be asking."

"Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails? A: Because when his term is through he won't be going to school."

"If you finger a bum... you're a hobosexual"

"My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast."

"Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food."

"How does one know a man is going to say something smart?..His senentences start with ""A woman once told me.."""

"[commercial for college] *person shoveling money into furnace* Narrator: Don't you wish there was a better way?"