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Joke of the Day

"[commercial for college] *person shoveling money into furnace* Narrator: Don't you wish there was a better way?"

"I told you not to let those pigs In my office. Now look what's happened. They've eaten all the dates off my calendar!"

"Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk."

"I have a photographic memory it just hasn't developed yet"

"Kermit and Miss Piggy are in bed and Miss Piggy says ""Kermit what are you going to do to my asshole tonight"" Kermit replied ""Rippit""."

"If you drop this book in a pig pen what should you do? Take the words out of their mouths."

"Don't you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That's why I do it."

"What do you call a police woman who shaves? Cunt Stubble."

"Saw a black man run down the street with a flatscreen under his arm At first i thought it was mine, but then i remembered that mine was chained in my backyard picking cotton"

"Who's the nicest player in the NFL? Drew Brees. The guy's a saint."