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Joke of the Day

"*burglar breaks in* *i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture* Burglar: No I have a double chin! Me: I'll post it"

"[Pilot intercom] Me: ""Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume."""

"I love hillary Clinton so much. It makes me weak at the knees."

"the closest I've ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air"

"Door says push.. I pull.. If it says pull I push.. I'm ether a hardcore Rebel or I need glasses..."

"January 4th is the commemoration of Schrodinger's death... But since he's is in a box, we are not sure."

"How can a mouse kill an elephant? Whispering to an elephant: "" I'm pregnant with you"""

"This Suicide Prevention message was brought to you in part by: **Nike** *""Just Do It""*"

"Hellen Keller list!!"

"Q: What do you call a truckload of vibrators? A: Toys for Twats."