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Joke of the Day

"Obama just said that no one is listening to our phones..I wonder if he realizes that the LAST thing we do with our phones is make a call!"

"Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder."

"This is probably the best idea I've had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid"

"him: who is your fantasy? me: huh? him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with? me: the elevator repair man."

"what idiot named them horses and not zerocorns"

"Why doesn't the sun go to college? It's extremely bright, it already has 28 million degrees."

"What kind of moronic mirror thinks that Kristen Stewart is fairer than Charlize Theron?"

"Things to get done: Make coffee, Drive a train high on cocaine, Rent a lion to eat my neighbor's dog, clean up mess from that lion thing."

"Islam Is a religion of peace"

"Why do zombies always kill at comedy clubs? Because their jokes are told post-humorously!"