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Joke of the Day

"When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I've been told. Twice now."

"I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids"

"Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix."

"You know what sucks? Babies"

"so a man comes into a bar........ Oh wait no it was a horse....... So a man comes into a horse.........."

"A cop pulled me over and said 'papers' I said 'scissors' and drove off. I win."

"Why did the mathematician bring home 24 eggs from the grocery store? Because when he asked his wife how many eggs to buy, she said 4!"

"Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can't tell the difference between a human and a wolf."

"Who wrote the book The Russian Milkman? Ipul Titsky"

"I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I'm going to be too busy sitting on mine"