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Joke of the Day

"Me: ""Words can't describe how perfect you are."" Her: ""Aww thank you!""... Me: ""But numbers can! 3/10"""

"Why did all the girls fall in love with the leafy green-blood-sucking-parasite that was full of vitamins? Because he was romaine-tick."

"""Yeah I just really enjoy playing devil's avocado sometimes"" Teacher: devil's advocate? Me [grabbing trident and avocado costume]: no."

"The barman says 'I'm sorry we don't serve time travelers.' A time traveler walks into a bar..."

"My phone is crap. I put it into airplane mode and threw it up in the air. Worst transformer ever."

"How do you make holy water? You boil the hell outta it."

"Oedipus? I hate that motherfucker"

"Im excited to have Tubman on the twenty So we can use black people as currency again"

"Pornstar Lisa Ann has retired... I wonder if she read her contract and realised she was getting screwed..."

"What did Missy Elliot say to Tony Abbot? Is it worth it?"