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Joke of the Day

"[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here's some...DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]"

"My girlfriend told me peeing after sex prevents pregnancies... I don't know what I did wrong. I peed as hard as I could right after sex and she still got pregnant."

"What is my girlfriend's favorite meal? A dish called: ""I don't know, you choose."""

"I don't often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney"

"Her: Show me your pics Me: Ok *blackberry restarts* *waiting* *gets married* *have kids* Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting *dies*"

"I always thought a shih tzu was... a zoo without animals."

"-1 23 It was delicious."

"I got an empty fortune cookie the other day. It was unfortunate."

"Advertisers think we're like ""Oh a pop-up ad is in the way of the thing I actually want to watch? I should purchase whatever it's selling!"""

"A man walks into the doctor's office wearing nothing but cellophane (saran-wrap). Dr. says, ""Clearly I can see your nuts!"""