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Joke of the Day

"The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you're not a psychopath."

"How do you circumcise a hillbillly? Kick his sister in the chin."

"Just heard someone screaming outside and my instinct was to turn up the TV. Whatever the opposite of a superhero is, I'm that."

"I wish I had a job. That way I could spend all day tweeting when I should be working."

"Nearly Christmas... PEOPLE say that every dog has its day. How right they are. We got a dog for Christmas, got bored with it and had it put down on Boxing Day."

"Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep."

"What is a terrorists favourite food? Anything Allah-cart. I found it funny. I was exploding with laughter."

"My friend just had a baby. He ordered it online from the Taiwanese black market."

"How do you know if your roommate is gay? When his Dick tastes like shit"

"Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make Then they call me ugly and poor"