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Joke of the Day

"[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank] ME: here ya go little buddies FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man"

"I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I'd say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard."

"So my sister is pregnant with her first child. I'm so happy to finally be a father!"

"Who needs viagra when there are pictures of old women with dyed orange hair and their eyebrows penciled in on the internet"

"A family walks into a hotel... The father goes to the front desk and says ""I hope the porn is disabled."" The guy at the desk replies. ""It's just regular porn you sick fuck."""

"My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again"

"So there's a guy with a speech impediment.... It's funny because his life is hard, and he was relentlessly ridiculed in grade school."

"Why aren't there any British Communists? Because communists believe all proper tea is theft."

"TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?"

"A Mexican magician tells an audience he can disappear at the could of three. He counts ""One, two, *poof*"" He disappeared without a tres."