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Joke of the Day

"If you're sad & lonely If you're sad, lonely & home alone always watch good horror movie & you will feel someone's presence with you."

"[Having a problem with my iPhone] Me: *texting myself* Test Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend"

"The USA condemns unprovoked invasion of a sovereign nation."

"I hate when I think of a great tweet and discover someone did it already. It's like that time I invented the wheelbarrow."

"Have you ever had sex while camping? Its fucking intents!"

"Sometimes I make up raps about the mortgage brokers and escrow officers I work with in case one of these mother fuckers tries to battle me."

"Me and my recliner... We go way back."

"My crushes are like the sun They're hot and if I stare for too long, I get hurt."

"The consensus after the election is that 100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their minds."

"You only live once. Make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet daily, desperately seeking validation from strangers."