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Joke of the Day

"Last week I got a vibrator stuck inside of me so I went to the doctors... ...this morning when the batteries went flat"

"I don't feel bad for the people killed in ""Jaws"". When I know where a murderer lives, I don't go swimming in his bathtub."

"When the party host collects everyone's coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets."

"You're mother is so stupid... ... She threw water on the computer to put out a flame war!"

"How do you tell when somebodies a vegan? You don't, they will tell you."

"Dealer: You followed? Geologist: No man. Its cool. *dealer opens trenchcoat and metamorphic rocks fall out Geologist: Gneiss... Gneiss"

"Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009"

"What do you call an intoxicated midget? A little drunk."

"People always say ""Wow, your baby looks so much like you,"" as though it's supposed to defy genetics & look exactly like a coffee mug."

"Tombstone: Here lies Houdini 2nd Tombstone: Now I'm over here"