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Joke of the Day

"When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in my face I get concerned about her disproportionate body shape."

"It's really hard being a good mother in this day and age. Especially when you're a college aged male with no kids."

"What did the cat cough up when it was sick? Meowcus"

"What award did the kid in a coma for six weeks win? Atrophy."

"Here's a step by step guide to staircases *gives you a handrail*"

"*strums ukulele* This one goes out to my ex wife, Lucy. It's called ""I know how much you hate ukuleles so I wrote a 9 minute ukulele song"""

"This morning there was large spider in my bath. I should really stop stealing equipment from the snooker club."

"Do you know how many hydrogen bonds I can disrupt? (Chemistry pick-up line) Enough to break the ice, how's it going?"

"Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you're just like... nah"

"What do you call a black man with a pegleg SHIT ON A STICK *im going to hell*"