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Joke of the Day

"It's really hard being a good mother in this day and age. Especially when you're a college aged male with no kids."

"Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry."

"Why does waldo wear stripes? So he isn't spotted."

"A programmers wife tells him to buy groceries She says buy bread, and if there are eggs get a dozen. He came home with twelve loaves of bread"

"My grandfather could never throw anything away... That's why he died in the war holding a hand grenade"

"dad u make dolphin noises mom u make pinacolada noises grandma u put on this sailboat costume. I told this girl on skype im 16/surfer/hawaii"

"Back in the day, pens could only be used once before you threw them away The invention of the modern pen is truly remarkable"

"I killed a black guy.... I thought I would get arrest for murder, but I got arrest for impersonating a cop."

"What do you get if you push a piano out of a plane over a military base? A flat major"

"A cop stopped me and asked ""Do you know why I followed you "" so I said ""because my tweets are funny"" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in Jail..."