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Joke of the Day

"[getting out of prison after 10 years] GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi"

"Dropped my wallet today & a homeless guy chased me down to give it back. I was so moved I took out all of my money & gave him a free wallet."

"Q: Did you hear about the marketplace where everything cost twelve and a half cents? A: It was a bit bazaar."

"""No, YOU'VE had too much to drink!"" ~Me, to this bar stool"

"ARCTIC HOOKER Q: What is a hooker in Alaska called? A: A frostitute."

"I hate when I'm getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says ""my thumbs hurt."" It's not like I ever say ""My jaw hurts."" I finish the job."

"Looking for a flexible babysitter. My girlfriend only does missionary."

"I used to work at Human Relations in the coal industry, but I got tired of all the miner details."

"I got fired from the banana plantation for ""wasting resources"" All i did was throw out the Bent ones"

"My mom once forgot her meds and tried to drown me in the bathtub. That made for a really weird 27th Birthday."