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Joke of the Day

"Procrastination is like masturbation It awesome until you realize that you've fucked yourself."

"They say people and their pets start to look alike, which is why George Clooney is now tied to a tree in my backyard."

"TRUMP: She's too scripted HILLARY (reading from teleprompter): Mr. Trump, (voice steadily rising) Adobe Reader is ready to update"

"Did you here that Donald Trump wants to ban canned parmesan cheese? He wants to make America grate again."

"what retail store does a cat go to when it loses it's tail? a retail sto- goddamn it I did it again"

"Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I'm returning it."

"Everyone always says that chocolate is like crack, so one day I actually tried it to find out for myself. I still prefer crack."

"I've never been offered money for sex. Never been offered money to not have sex either. So there's that."

"So this blonde walks in to a computer store... ... and says to the employee; have you got any curtains? Employee says; um no sorry this is a computer store Blonde; duhh, I have windows."

"Alsation: How come you are always so well behaved when you go on a walk with your master? Chihuahua: It's the leash I can do!"