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Joke of the Day

"Pilot episode You know how you can tell if a shows going to be any good based on the pilot, since it sets the tempo for the entire show? I just realized that my dad didn't like the pilot of my life..."

"I am not an alcoholic An alcoholic needs a drink, I have a drink."

"An acquaintance of mine said that when she feels down she puts on a skirt that's too short, and it helps. Coincidentally, her wearing a skirt that's too short also helps me when I'm down."

"The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth."

"Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg? A. Limp Bizkit. (limp biscuit) (Alternate: What do the British call a cookie that got wet?)"

"Nobody cares that my ears are flattening and my nose is growing longer... I guess its just *irrelephant*."

"Why did the depressed chicken cross the road? To get to the other side :("

"Startup idea: Toilet Paper App. Wipe your ass with your actual phone. Reusable."

"Why should Trump be careful of deporting Mexicans? It could go south so fast."

"What do you call a part gopher, part duck, and part you? A Gophuckyourself."