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Joke of the Day

"The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there's still a box of the same thing already open."

"Why doesn't Kylo Ren's lightsaber look like a normal lightsaber? Because it's a First Order approximation."

"My daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials. So of course I have to tell her they don't exist in real life, just on tv."

"*night falls, the full moon rises* ME: go, please! i don't want you to see me...like...this HIM: omg what's happening ME: *asleep by 10 pm*"

"HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers? ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down."

"I've been invited to an avoidance. An avoidance? What's that? It's a dance for people who hate each other."

"What is the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews? The Jews go up the chimney."

"My Phone autocorrected ""wish you were here"" to ""wish you were beer"" and I sent it anyways"

"What do you call playing a woodwind instrument and eating fast food while driving an f1 car? A McClarenet."

"I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that I was a muffler. I woke up pretty exhausted."