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Joke of the Day

"How do you make a little girl cry twice? Wipe you dick off on her teddy bear. I...I'm sorry. I was told this by a schoolmate in middle school."

"My roadside emergency kit is a black wig, a disco ball and a bottle of vodka. Might as well have fun while I wait to be murdered."

"A bird just landed on Bernie Sanders' podium during a speech It's a shame it was just a bird and not 800 delegates"

"My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with Football Manager. In my defence, I've got Dani Alves, Kompany, Vidic and Lahm."

"About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach."

"What is a grasshopper? An insect on a pogo stick."

"Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs."

"LPT: For those of you that always feel the need to click on every link (and end up wasting a lot of time on the internet).. ...gotcha."

"Can't trust anyone that refuses to admitnThey are wrong. nnSidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies."

"If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'. I'll turn around and look."