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Joke of the Day

"Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig's List just a week after we updated our life insurance?"

"[dinner w/friends] ""How long you two been married?"" It's been thirt- (wife shaking head) teenish twenty- (still shaking) for a long time."

"What time do philosophers like to visit the shopping mall? At the Schopenhauer."

"Why did Jesus come to Earth? To get to the other side. Ba dum tssshh"

"2 Muffins are sitting in an oven... One says to the other ""man its hot in here"" the other one yells terrified ""OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!!"""

"Facebook etiquette: Thou shall not hold a conversation under someone's status post."

"Knock knock. Whose there? Doctor. Doctor who? Oh. You watch that show too?"

"How many ADD/ADHD kids does it take to change a light bulb? Wanna go ride bikes?"

"I'm watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible."

"I think people are getting sick of my jokes when they exhale deeply I should take it as a sigh-n"