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Joke of the Day

"What is it with people who text and drive? I swear to god the next time I see this happen, I'll roll down my window and throw my beer at them."

"Friend: just be yourself. Me: Be myself? Be myself?! Some of the most successful people I know aren't myself. That's horrible advice"

"Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad."

"What do sexist horses eat? Hay hay hay."

"What blood type do people from Taiwan have? Taipei"

"Did you hear they invented a new logical fallacy, the ""ad homonym"" attack? ... It's not what it sounds like."

"I scream, you scream, we all scream... The ice cream man kidnapped us; please send help."

"What did the accountant do when he was constipated? He worked it out with a pencil."

"What's the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I'm in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms."

"How do you kill a vampire dinosaur? You stakeasaurus."