142008

Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night"

"[Dentist's] Me: *lying back with mouth full of cotton wool* Dentist: So what do you do? Equipment trolley 3ft away: I'm a ventriloquist"

"Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful [2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit"

"Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it."

"My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she's a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert."

"JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my...cat"

"Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they'll never meet :("

"I don't hate you, I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence."

"Wow The Middle East Certainly knows how to Commemorate International Women's Day They let them get stoned."

"Delete me , Poke me, Like me, Limit me ..The choice is yours... Facebook, where no one really gives a fuck!!"