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Joke of the Day

"When I go out to eat I wear a shirt w/ a picture of me shirtless on it, because I hate rules but I like service."

"I lost 50 pounds in two days Im never playing poker again"

"What else can you call pictures depicting children sexually? Underdeveloped photos."

"Shout out to bicyclists that yell ""on your left"" as they pass me so I know which arm to clothesline them with."

"I accidentally just laughed at something my 4-year-old did so now I have to pretend to laugh as she does it forty thousand more times."

"A man walks into a butchers... A man walks into a butchers and says ""Is that a sheep's head?"" to which the butcher replies ""No... it's just the way I do my hair.""."

"I was late to a meeting traveling to West Virginia. I forgot to reset my watch to the mid 1800s."

"I just published a satirical critique of the Russian government and Putin hasn't sent anyone to kill me yet. I'm radiating with joy."

"How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Suck his dick."

"What do you get when you put resistance on a stove? Ohm on the range"