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Joke of the Day

"I was helping Animal Control round up a stray dog today, and was hoping to get credit for the catch. But he got the collar."

"402 year old woman pulled out of Nepal earthquake rubble survives for 100 years without food or water Fucking one upping bullshit headlines."

"If it looks like a duck & quacks like a duck, it's a murderer, disguised as a duck."

"Doctor... can I bathe with diarrhea? Hmm, yes if you shit enough..."

"I thought I'd spent all night disco dancing with this girl in a club. But apparently she was deaf and telling me to f*ck off'."

"How many Super Saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DRAGONBALL ZEEEEE! (I really hope this isn't a repost)"

"Chinese girls just aren't that into me. I wish I had more of a Tai Pei personality."

"I'm such a cougar magnet. And I'm not talking about middle aged women either, I'm talking about REAL FUCKING COUGARS!"

"How do you get a bass player off of your porch? You pay for your pizza."

"Have you heard about the new advanced ABS system developed by an Israeli company? Allows any vehicle equipped with it to stop on a dime."