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Joke of the Day

"Waiter my lunch is talking to me ! Well you did ask for a tongue sandwich !"

"Dad bought Mum a bone-china tea set for her birthday. How lovely! Yes but he only did it so as not to have to do the washing-up. Mum's too frightened he'll break it!"

"Just found out my cat lied about being pregnant just to try and save our relationship and cover up for getting fat."

"Why can't you have multi-story buildings in China? That would be wong on so many levels!"

"What do disabled people get when there's a fire in the building? Left behind"

"People come up to me all the time in the street and they ask me, they ask me: ""Say, Paul, what's the Mahabharata?"" And I say to them, I say, ""Oh, just a bit of light reading."""

"Pity the poor egg. He only gets laid once in his life, and even then it's by his mother."

"Proper punctuation... Proper punctuation is the difference between ""helping your Uncle, Jack, off a horse"" and ""helping your uncle jack off a horse"" It's a classic, but a good one"

"ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks- ME: I'm bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back AT: You're expelled"

"doctor: here's your x-ray me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another"