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Joke of the Day

"I hope fashion in the future isn't all like, weird metal bird outfits. Cuz a bunch of mine just got stolen."

"that show ""Intervention"" should just be called ""Haters"""

"Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn't enough."

"(child accidentally being born in butcher shop) Shirtless mother: what should we name him? Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra...ham"

"Jacob Sartorious must have been born on a highway Because that's where most accidents happen."

"[homocide scene] DETECTIVE:""my god, in my 25 years on the force i've never seen a dead ghost."" COP:""sir?, we covered the body with a sheet."""

"I don't know which is stranger: That the cat buried a mouse's body in the yard, or that the service was attended by dozens of mice in suits."

"Wanna know how I escaped Iraq? Iran"

"""hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?"" ""hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot"" *cops bust down door*"

"I think I wasted my 15 minutes of fame trying to save money on car insurance."