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Joke of the Day

"A 95 year old man and a 93 year old woman file for divorce. Lawyer: Why divorce now after all this time together? Woman: We wanted to wait until the kids were dead."

"You can put Hillary Clinton supporters into two baskets. The basket of adorables, and the basket of deportables."

"I just want to bring your heart to it's knees. ... And while you're down there..."

"Waiter: how were your steak and eggs Me: just okay Waiter: oh no Me: you could say they were Waiter: please no Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker"

"Uhhh, sorry Mozart, but a Wolf gang is called a pack. Smh"

"[During sex] Me: I know you want me to be ""naughty"", but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume."

"What do you call an environmental bicyclist? A recyclist."

"While driving home early one day, I saw a man running naked I pulled over and asked, ""Why are you running like that?"" He answered, ""Because you're coming home early."""

"Why is the Dead Sea a mod on /r/leagueoflegends? Because it's so salty."

"MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have? ME (through tears): A...a friend"