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Joke of the Day

"You know what really grindes my gears? When I don't push the clutch down far enough."

"Yesterday I gave my seat to a blind man. Today I lost my job as a bus driver."

"If this tweet gets 5 retweets, I will threaten a public official on Facebook."

"Don't go over-analyzing my statuses. If I made sense all the time I wouldn't need to be here so much."

"Turtles think tortoises are pretentious as hell."

"""anything new with you?"" not really ""any cool projects at work? nope ""meeting with friends?"" no ""seeing anybody?"" why are you doing this?"

"The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security."

"My girlfriend broke up with me because she caught me having sex with her dog. I guess I really screwed the pooch on that one."

"[1st date, don't let her know you're a panda] ""Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes* These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting"

"What's the difference between congress and a circus? One is a Cunning array of Stunts..."