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Joke of the Day

"[creation of insects] LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night BEE: I will pollinate flowers FLY: I will eat shit and die"

"Look UPS guy, you can't just show up at someone's house unannounced and expect them to have pants on."

"Anonymous declared war on ISIS! They'll never know what hit em..."

"don't let the glasses fool you, I'm an idiot"

"What is the poorest tree in the forest? The burr-oak tree."

"Politicians are like diapers... They're almost exclusively white"

"A member of the undead said I was prejudiced against his kind... It's simply not true. I have lots of wight friends."

"Based on how many times I've dropped my phone, I'm gonna hold off on the whole baby thing."

"My friend asked me, ""What is a palindrome?"" I said, ""No, it's not."""

"My entire day will be spent laughing at my children because they have to go back to school tomorrow.."