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Joke of the Day

"[stranded on Mars journal] day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days day 2: I ate rob"

"I'm a lot like a midget orgy I've got a lot of short comings."

"During lunch I asked my food server which salad she preferred. She said, ""Either one! They're both amazeballs!"" I got a hamburger."

"How many Man U. fans does it take to change a lightbulb? One to change the lightbulb and one to drive down to Kent to pick him/her up."

"The only way I can appreciate a beautiful view is by taking a picture of it with my phone & looking at it on the screen."

"Why do businessmen carry umbrellas? Because umbrellas can't walk."

"How are all these African-American's able to take off time from work to riot in Baltimore? Wait... nevermind"

"Little known fact: Most Star Wars' space fights filmed in a church Pew Pew Pew"

"It's amazing how alcohol can make you do so many stupid things on your smart phone."

"I miss the days before the internet, when you didn't know some person's every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic."