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Joke of the Day
"New laws Do not let your friends derive drunk."
Next Joke
"""Dave's coming over."" -Dave from work or Dave that doesn't know how doors work? [doorknob sorta jiggles for like 20 minutes]"
"When the police asked Bernie if he profited from stealing millions of dollars from his former clients he replied, ""What do you think i'm Madoff?"""
"Why is the Force like duct tape? It has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together."
"[first date] Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape"
"I always party like it's 1999. Standing in a corner talking to nerds about The Matrix. :("
"What do you call a deer that likes rain? A rain-deer. I know it's terrible."
"If a gay guy gets paralyzed... Is he a fruit or a vegetable?"
"ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home] GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE? E: Honey, we've talked about this. GF: [sadly] Ok.... wire you insulate?"
"My daughter asks for Frozen stuff for Christmas, so i bought her frozen chips and a packet of peas"