138344

Joke of the Day

"When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back."

"[robbing Whole Foods] ""All the cash in a bag NOW!"" 100% organic reusable bag ok? ""Yes!"" [puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag"

"Honey I Shrunk the Kids And I Shrunk Some Water Skis And Now This Little Squirrel Is Skiing In Our Pool And Its Rad You Gotta See This Babe"

"911: I'd like to report a Twief! 911: What? A Twurglar! 911: I don't follow You can't catch em like that. Hurry they're getting stars!"

"What's the biggest lie on the internet? ""Thank you for **choosing** Comcast."" Edit: fuck it, let's hear all the biggest lies you people know. Yes, I mean *you people*."

"When a vegetarian turns into a zombie, what does it eat? Coma patients."

"BIDEN: I'mma punch him when he comes here. OBAMA: No, Joe. Don't do that. BIDEN: Punch him round the back. OBAMA: Joe. BIDEN: Kick, then."

"I have a lettuce stuck up my ass But it's just the tip of the iceberg."

"So an Irishman walks out of a bar ... no seriously, it can happen. (seen in an Irish pub)"

"Some people might as well post ""Wants Attention"" as their Facebook status"