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Joke of the Day

"[phone rings] ""Is your refrigerator running?"" *looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon* ""I don't know what he's doing anymore."""

"I am SO TIRED! I found out that my wife was the woman of my dreams..., I haven't slept in 3 years"

"Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, ""Does this taste funny to you?"""

"Laughter is the best medicine. Depression is the best food. Happiness is the best animal. I don't know since we're clearly making stuff up."

"My ex's ex and my left hand are dating."

"Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face."

"Why did the scarecrow get promoted? He was outstanding in his field."

"Remember, if we get caught, you are deaf and I speak no English."

"Policeman: Didn't you see my lights flashing? Motorist: No I was going faster than the speed of light."

"What did Antonin Scalia's pathologist write in his autopsy report? Cause of death: Hippy-energy induced heart attack. Time of death: finally."