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Joke of the Day

"[phone rings] ""Is your refrigerator running?"" *looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon* ""I don't know what he's doing anymore."""

"That awkward moment when you're digging a hole to hide a body, and you find another body #truestory"

"Sometimes I'll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I'm doing, I'll say, ""Pretend stoplight."""

"The NFL was considering issuing small bats to referees to ""knock"" the balls to check for proper inflation during the Super Bowl... but then they realized that was queer."

"What's green, white, and orange and only appears once a year? Irish pride"

"You're so ugly, Scorpion be like, ""Stay over there!"""

"I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more."

"Dicks and vaginas are kind of like Coke and Pepsi I strongly prefer one, but my dad thinks they taste the same"

"There's nothing scarier then a mosquito coming out of Magic Johnson's house"

"If you didn't want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder."