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Joke of the Day

"There are two muffins baking in an oven: One muffin says to the other, ""Damn it's hot in here!"" To which the other muffin says, ""Holy shit a talking muffin!"""

"What do a woman and a refrigerator have in common? They both leak when they're fucked."

"Today my brother got pinkeye... My day went pretty well, but in his eyes it was pretty shitty."

"[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet"

"""I love my cable company! Their customer service and pricing can't be beat! I'm glad I have no other options!"" said no one ever."

"God bless USA And Science. And Muhammad And The Buddhist Gods. everyone is offended these days."

"""My Cocaine"" How Michael Caine says his name..."

"The waiter came up to our table. He said, ""Can I take your order?"" I said, ""Sure."" He said, ""Thanks, I'm just really hungry."""

"TIL: The Norwegian Navy have started to put barcodes on their ships. So they can Scan da navy in"

"I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I killed a cyclist."