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Joke of the Day

"There's a new movie coming out about people who take a long time to orgasm... It hasn't released yet."

"Don't try to understand women. Women understand women, that's why they hate each other."

"My 10 year old: ""If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did the darkness get there first."" Me: ""What?"""

"*At store buying school supplies* Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils"

"Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. 'Me time'."

"You need Jesus in your life... that lawn won't mow by itself"

"What Do Bernie Sander Supporters Call Their Parents? Roommates"

"A liar, a murderer, a cheater walk in to a bar... The Patriots must be in town."

"I've lost all my pokemon cards in a house fire... I've only got Ash now."

"My professor asked me to give an example of a word whose definition got reversed. I literally had no answer."