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Joke of the Day

"Her: What are your desires? Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]...Unconventional."

"my friend put me in charge of picking up the wedding cake today LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL RIP CAKE"

"Police arrested two kids yesterday , one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off."

"What is similar between a strip club and the Artic The poles are cold and then they are getting warmer."

"I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn. He will just have to mow around me because I'm not moving.."

"Teacher: Megan, why are you doing your multiplication on the floor? Megan: You said we had to do it without tables!"

"I'll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen."

"Did you hear about the casino croupier whose hand, through a tragic accident, was reduced to a stub? Don't worry, he's dealing with it."

"The last thing my father said to me before he kicked the bucket Hey, son. Check out how far I can kick this bucket"

"When is the best time to raise money? When there's a stripper in front of you."