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Joke of the Day

"I nearly bought a car today but had a lucky escape when I checked the fine print I discovered it had driver aids ..!"

"What do we want? An Iphone for fat fingers! When do we want it? BOW!"

"Got my right hand a Valentines Day card. Had to sign it with my left hand so it will be a surprise."

"My favorite part about the debate tonight!!! Was at the end...when it ended...and it was over."

"I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face"

"Why don't blind people skydive? It scares the shit out of the dog."

"Harry wasn't chosen for Ravenclaw because he tried to catch the Hogwarts letters from the air instead of taking one from the floor."

"Not paying more than $2,000 a kilo. And can we stop communicating through Twitter? I feel like these DM's are going to go public someday."

"What's red and fucks old ladies? Me, in my lucky red jacket."

"I like my women like I like my coffee... ...hot and in my hands **right now**."