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Joke of the Day

"[Death Row] GUARD: last requests? INMATE: a little heroin would be nice TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard* INMATE: I meant the drug stupid"

"There's no i in denial."

"If I'm going to be this awake at 2:30 in the morning, I might as well go guard a factory or something."

"Two Flies Two flies were sitting on a turd. One of the flies farts. The other fly looks at him and says, ""Hey! Do you mind? I'm trying to eat here."""

"Some guy told me he liked me, but he doesn't follow me on twitter so his opinion is invalid."

"Barista: Can I get your name? Me: Lisa Barista: Pizza? Me: Yeah, that's fine."

"What did the magician say to the cell? Might I conjure Ya?"

"What's the slogan of Jewish proselytizers? Yahweh or the highway."

"I tried to make a clock with no battery for the digital clock competition but it didn't count."

"wife: How was work? [flashback to me being asked to leave the meeting because I couldn't stop giggling after someone said ""abreast""] me:Good"