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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between a jew and a boy-scout? Boy-scout comes back from the camp"

"You say ""bed."" I say ""horizontal worry pod of nocturnal overanalysis."" Let's not get caught up in semantics."

"Me: NO! Him: What? I haven't even said anything Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to"

"Friend: I want a baby. Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It's like that, but you can't call the cops."

"To my friend who I cheat at cards against: I'm sorry, but I think uno me well enough."

"Back in the good old days when... Men were men... and boys were men. and women were men..."

"I offered Pete Carroll $1 million to run a mile He passed."

"A marching band passed by this morning, shouting ""Make America Great Again!"" Must be some Donald Trumpeters."

"I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life."

"My kid has slept over at Jared Fogle's house plenty of times and there's never been a problem. And as long as Jared keeps my Subway card full of points he will continue not having any problems."